I adjusted my white coat as I walked from my hostel to the casualty. It was drizzling and the sun hadn’t revealed himself completely yet. Beautiful morn, I mused. As soon as I reached the casualty, I got a message from my mom asking me to call her urgently.
She picked up at the second ring. The tone of her voice put off any hopes of a good news. And she broke it to me- the news about my father’s illness that would haunt me for many a day forward.He had a bleeding into his brain that had stolen him of the power to move the left side of his body.
I was shattered. There was no gentle way was in which my mom could have made the news any more palatable..she herself was fighting to stay above the waters of despair that suddenly seemed to surge and threatened to engulf my family. The tears did not take into consideration that I was sitting in the ER..they smoothly found their course down my cheeks. The support of two friendly shoulders at that point was definitely a boon.
I didn’t want to question God. And hence held my peace. But everything that happened afterwards was like a trigger. I was annoyed at how dishonest people were flourishing. (My dad was an honest man). I was irritated when someone cried over a few painful abrasions.( My dad is struggling to get up.) I was indifferent as I watched a n old man’s leg being amputated. ( At least you have walked till 80.)..every thought process of mine was affected by this incident. I was taking rounds, seeing patients, attending casualty cases, assisting in surgeries…but all this was so mechanical. I had to put on a happy mask and go about like everything was absolutely fine when my whole world was falling apart.
And I couldn’t call up anyone from my family..they were expecting me to be strong because I’m a doctor! The stark reality was only witnessed by the four walls of my room and my wet pillow- they had seen the episodes of meltdown..where I would wail like a wounded child…and after a while, it seemed very normal to wash my face, put on a smile and walk out(a bad lens day would easily explain my red eye).
The mechanisms we invent to survive! Everything ahead seems bleak. All of my future will now revolve around this. Every decision I’m to make from now on will be based on this. Basically, this bad news changed my life. And I’m still learning to survive around it. But ofcourse, there is the reassurance that nothing in my life happens without the knowledge of my Heavenly Father. If he has allowed this to happen, he will give me the grace to face this too.