The Hallway

It feels terrible. My head aches and my eyes hurt from all the crying. Tissue papers lie martyred  in the battlefield of my bedroom. I can feel myself being dragged into a deep dark pit of depressive thoughts. I don’t want to fall into it. I have been inside it. No. It is not a nice place to be. I want to run. But I can see only closed doors around. I hate this. I hate this hallway in life.

This hallway is a terrifying place of doubt. What if no door ever opens? What if I am stuck here forever? I can see all my friends move ahead. Will I ever make it out of here? “Oh, she is so unfortunate! I wonder why she didn’t make it out of there?”, I heard someone mutter. My thoughts exactly! Why? Why am I stuck here? Did God forget me? So much for all the promises of “one day the wall of Jericho fell” and “slaying the giant with God on your side”! Sounds more fancy than ever now. Was I a  fool to fall for that? Where did I go wrong? Was it that one thing I did? Or that one thing I didn’t do? What?? Why???? How??? The hallway is a place of questions. And some of them you dread facing.

A place of regret. Yes. The hallway is a place of regret. Maybe I should have done a little more. Maybe I should have done that differently. You find yourself regretting everything. Everything- from your very existence to all your decisions. Maybe it was all wrong. Maybe I was  too much of a dreamer. Maybe I was  a fool to think I was  capable. Maybe I put my faith in the wrong place. I hate the “maybes” I am facing in this hallway.

Quite humbling though. Yes, unfortunately, the hallway is a place of great humbling. None of us like it. Yet, as we pass through the fire of failure, humility might be one quality being wrought out of us. The humbled you might feel vulnerable. Like a newborn. But it can also be a new beginning. Like that newborn baby, you could have a fresh start. A new hope. Suddenly your tear stained eyes seem to see it better. Is that a tiny window in the corner? Is that a ray of hope coming through it?

The hallway seems to have  become bearable. The  situation does not seem as hapless as before. It is still painful. You still trip over regrets. The questions still loom over. Yet, the forlorn figure in the corner has started to move. To start over. To make corrections. To strive harder. To seek forgiveness for all the doubting and grumbling. To start anew. No it is not easy. But maybe we will all find the courage to praise God even in the hallways of life. Until He opens the right door..in His time.20190205_105217

Author:

Nothing but a recipient of Christ's grace. I am a young doctor and I use this space to find meaning in the bedlam of my thoughts. My blog might resonate with the screams of a young adult finding her place in life, the stench of hospital corridors, images of the many people who intrigue me and the lessons my Saviour Jesus teaches me.

4 thoughts on “The Hallway

  1. I guess for the rest of our life, we will keep walking through hallways like this just so that we can “practice the pause”.. and take it one day at a time.

    A door will open – sooner or later, only to lead us into yet another hallway. Familiar. But certainly not welcoming.. 🙂 but the lesson we learn every time is so easily forgotten. “Praise Him in the hallway!” Thank you dear for the reminder. God bless.

    Like

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